My Culture: Defined Here as my Blood Relatives

1. Who do the members of your culture consider to be part of their family?: My culture defines blood relatives as part of their family and no one else. Friends are allowed, but even dates are not truly welcome until their is an engagement in place. Also, friends are not to be discussed with the family until you are the eldest person in the room, and the eldest person, my grandmother, is the center of everyone's concern and what she wants is the law. We do not specifically have to adhere to her beliefs but we must never contradict them openly, and that includes being polite and listening while she goes on about how she believes that it is morally wrong for women to wear pants.
2. What are some roles and responsibilities of specific family members?: Wow, my mother's family has this down to a science. My grandmother is the head of the family and she relegates specific tasks to each child. Her sons do specific chores, each has their own. My Aunt Eileen does her taxes and takes her to the doctor, my mother takes her shopping. Her grandchildren are mostly in their thirty's and each has a specific thing that she talks to them about and nothing else, and for me and my sister we are the youngest by about 15 years so we are the babies in her eyes and will never progress in her eyes beyond the age of three, and when she is around we are supposed to show her the rapt and eager attention of children of that age. As for my immediate family: my mother runs the house, she makes all the decisions, controls the finances and almost all of the chores. My father is considered the breadwinner, despite the fact that he and my mother work at the same company and have equivalent salaries and hours. He is excused from all but laundry because of this title. He is also viewed as the disciplinarian, however, in reality that is my mother's job. Basically in real power he is the convenient figure head, no power but gets the appearance of it. I am the good girl, I am quiet and have to keep the peace. I listen to everyone's complaints about each other and offer empathy and sympathy but get non in return. Whenever, my dad or sister has a bad day it is seen as my responsibility to fix it. I am expected to succeed the most, do well in school and have good judgment. My sister is the baby and the wild child. She is expected to screw up and fly off the handle when things don't go her way. She is expected to get good grades, but not as good; however, she gets to actually express her emotions and gets to be fun and be my Mom's friend.

3. Are family members encouraged to stay in the same house/area as their family after adolescence?: No, family members are encouraged to go away from home, to college. After college is a different story, then we are supposed to return and assume adult rules in caring for the matriarch--my grandmother--and after her my mother. The unspoken expectation is that we experience college and get the independence out of our system.

4. What are the cultural norms and taboos regarding dating and meeting people with whom to become romantically involved?: Well, basically we are supposed to look for people who are reminiscent of our grandfather; who died when my mother was about six or so, so I have no idea what he is like, this only applies to the women, the men need to find reminiscence of grandmother. It is a little different for my sister and I because all of the recent precedents before us were male, so now the family doesn't know what to expect from girls. However, some rules are clear: he must be beyond clean cut, white, Lutheran or willing to raise children Lutheran, have a skilled profession but not be an intellectual, as that is seriously looked down upon, and have no knowledge of other cultures in a realistic sense. My interest in Japan frightens my family. Oh and he must be male. An interest in art and music is good, but just to dabble in, as these are seen as too fanciful and unrealistic of professions, as is acting. A tradesman would be best in their eyes.

5. How are marriage proposals conducted in your culture?: In my culture the marriage proposal is a man asking a woman to marry him, down on one knee. There is a little leeway there, the woman can do the asking, but then the man is teased. The proposal itself is not witnessed by the family, unless the man is part of the family and brings the woman to a family gathering and proposes there, as otherwise the significant other would have an icy reception.

6. What is a typical wedding like?: I am a lot and I mean a lot younger than the rest of my family on my mothers side, as I am using here as my definition of my culture, so the only wedding that I have ever witnessed was my Uncle's second marriage, I was about four to six at the time. It was a church wedding and it was a small simple ceremony. The must is the religious setting for the wedding, or if it is to be outside with strong religious connotation. The reception is far more important than the wedding itself, as the wedding is for the couple in theory and the reception is for the family aka grandma. The reception is expected to involve a small dance floor that no one over eight will use, a table for toasts and lots of tables for people to have long in-depth conversations.

7. How do members of the culture view divorce?: The view of divorce is that, well they weren't really part of the family, so good riddance. Unless, they were women that married into the family, except for those who swear, then they are the wronged party and the man is subjected to twenty questions about what he did wrong. Unless it is known that he is an alcoholic, then it is not his fault and the woman is believed to have not helped him enough and is a traitor for deserting him. Every divorce in my family has been due to alcoholism. However, there is one that is impending and that one is just a train-wreck waiting to implode that has nothing due to alcohol.

8. If divorce occurs, what are the rights of each partner?: The rights of each partner in divorce are seen as a fifty fifty split. Children are always agreed to be under joint custody, unless the father was an alcoholic and then those children are fully in their mother's custody and the family never sees them again. This has a lot to do with the majority of the family being men, in a matriarchal family and the mother being seen as the ultimate arbiter of children, but the father never wanting to lose contact. Property is always second and the children are the ultimate concern.

9. What is the general opinion of the culture toward homosexuality?: The simple answer toward the culture's opinion toward homosexuality is: they don't understand it and it frightens them. The culture is based upon the opinions of a depression era matriarch who thinks that it is immoral for women to wear pants. The women in the family tend to pretend that it doesn't exist and when they have to confront it they either think of cute stereotypes or cite biblical passages for why it makes them uncomfortable. The men are openly hostile. My sister and I are both bisexual and know that telling extended family will lead to no good. Also, select members of the family are willing to grudgingly tolerate homosexuality, but bisexuality is seen as being not only wrong but selfish and indecisive, so the explicit line of the family is that a bisexual person must make a choice one way or the other and stick with it for the rest of their life.

10. How are the general perspectives of this culture the same/different from yours regarding gender roles?: Oh, where to begin... my ideas are mostly very different. For example, at age six I refused to ever wear a dress or skirt again for the rest of my life. I also, feel that for a relationship whatever the genders of the people in it they need to be equal partners and not one with complete power and the other a figure head. My family tends to view women having the real power and there is an element of appeal to that, but it is a dangerous one--in the extreme--as it sets up dysfunction. Also, I believe that having such structured roles is unhealthy. The roles for the men especially, as they are set up to be figure heads, impotent and powerless while having to maintain the illusion of masters of their domain; it's just unhealthy. I also believe that homosexuality is not only valid, but a good thing and perfectly natural.

Do you believe that it is more typical to embrace or differ from your family's ideas about relationships?

How does a significant difference of opinion in this area affect family relationships? Is this effect generally positive or negative?